We have jokes so why not share them. Post any kind, one liners, stories, puns, knock knock, groaners, etc. I will start
An Irishman walks out of a bar
hey, it could happen
Full Version: Auld Jokes
A Russian, a Spaniard and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Russian guy, “You’re in charge of digging.” He then jabs a finger at the Spaniard, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, “And you’re in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.”
Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Russian and Spaniard standing nearby. “Why didn’t you touch it?” he says. The Russian looks at him. “We didn’t have a shovel or a broom, and you said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn’t find him.”
Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand and yells “Supplies!”
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Russian guy, “You’re in charge of digging.” He then jabs a finger at the Spaniard, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, “And you’re in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.”
Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Russian and Spaniard standing nearby. “Why didn’t you touch it?” he says. The Russian looks at him. “We didn’t have a shovel or a broom, and you said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn’t find him.”
Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand and yells “Supplies!”
A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is understandably silent.
He then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is silent, again.
Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!"
One More!!
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"
Everyone is understandably silent.
He then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is silent, again.
Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!"
One More!!
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME
(WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),
THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS
IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING
TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO,
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE.
(WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),
THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS
IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING
TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO,
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE.
An oldie but a goodie
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
"Listen very carefully for....the....last....time, I said..........."BRING POSSE"
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
"Listen very carefully for....the....last....time, I said..........."BRING POSSE"
1. A trainee doctor is performing his first autopsy with the chief coroner when the coroner is called out of the room for a minute. Before leaving, the coroner tells the trainee to give the corpse a quick once-over and see if he can determine the cause of death.
When the coroner returns, he asks the trainee what he's decided. "Well sir," the trainee says, "I believe she drowned.""And how did you reach this conclusion?" asks the coroner. "Well sir, if you look between her legs you'll see a small prawn".
The coroner looks between the corpse's legs and says, "Mate, that's not a prawn, that's a clitoris". "That's weird," says the trainee, "it sure tasted like a prawn!"
2. A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "i've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with aids." the friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "mum, i thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your girl friends you were dying of aids." the woman said, "i know, i just don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
3. A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
4. An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
When the coroner returns, he asks the trainee what he's decided. "Well sir," the trainee says, "I believe she drowned.""And how did you reach this conclusion?" asks the coroner. "Well sir, if you look between her legs you'll see a small prawn".
The coroner looks between the corpse's legs and says, "Mate, that's not a prawn, that's a clitoris". "That's weird," says the trainee, "it sure tasted like a prawn!"
2. A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "i've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with aids." the friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "mum, i thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your girl friends you were dying of aids." the woman said, "i know, i just don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
3. A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
4. An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
The following is an actual question given on a Washington University chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect th e number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect th e number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put
that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put
that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
This guy gets convicted of robbery and is sent to prison, where he arrives to find his cellmate is a monstrous bald headed biker guy. The cellmate proceeds to outline the rules
"We're going to be a married couple, so which part do you want to play, the husband or the wife? he said menacingly.
The newly convicted robber broke out in a sweat..."shit" he thought, "I either get to give it, or receive it...well that's a no-brainer"
"I'll be the husband!" he shouted with confidence
"Great, get over here and give your wife a blowjob"
"We're going to be a married couple, so which part do you want to play, the husband or the wife? he said menacingly.
The newly convicted robber broke out in a sweat..."shit" he thought, "I either get to give it, or receive it...well that's a no-brainer"
"I'll be the husband!" he shouted with confidence
"Great, get over here and give your wife a blowjob"
From my father-in-law:
A burglar broke into a house and shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
A burglar broke into a house and shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Two Irishmen are out in the woods hunting when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence............then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK........ now what?'
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence............then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK........ now what?'
CIA Training
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her
The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.
The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her
The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.
The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didnt like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didnt often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbits wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didnt like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didnt often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbits wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
THE DOCTOR THAT HAD BEEN SEEING AN EIGHTY YEAR-OLD WOMAN
FOR MOST OF HER LIFE, FINALLY RETIRED.
AT HER NEXT CHECKUP, THE NEW DOCTOR TOLD HER TO BRING
A LIST OF ALL THE MEDICINES THAT HAD BEEN PRESCRIBED FOR HER.
AS THE YOUNG DOCTOR WAS LOOKING THROUGH THESE, HIS EYES
GREW WIDE AS HE REALIZED SHE HAD A PRESCRIPTION FOR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.
"MRS. SMITH DO YOU REALIZE THESE ARE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"
"YES, THEY HELP ME SLEEP AT NIGHT."
"MRS SMITH, I ASSURE YOU THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THESE THAT COULD POSSIBLY HELP YOU SLEEP!"
SHE REACHED OUT AND PATTED THE YOUNG DOCTOR'S KNEE.
"YES, DEAR, I KNOW THAT.
BUT EVERY MORNING, I GRIND ONE UP AND MIX IT IN THE GLASS OF
ORANGE JUICE THAT MY 16 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER DRINKS...
AND BELIEVE ME, IT HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT."
YOU GOTTA LOVE GRANDMAS!
FOR MOST OF HER LIFE, FINALLY RETIRED.
AT HER NEXT CHECKUP, THE NEW DOCTOR TOLD HER TO BRING
A LIST OF ALL THE MEDICINES THAT HAD BEEN PRESCRIBED FOR HER.
AS THE YOUNG DOCTOR WAS LOOKING THROUGH THESE, HIS EYES
GREW WIDE AS HE REALIZED SHE HAD A PRESCRIPTION FOR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.
"MRS. SMITH DO YOU REALIZE THESE ARE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"
"YES, THEY HELP ME SLEEP AT NIGHT."
"MRS SMITH, I ASSURE YOU THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THESE THAT COULD POSSIBLY HELP YOU SLEEP!"
SHE REACHED OUT AND PATTED THE YOUNG DOCTOR'S KNEE.
"YES, DEAR, I KNOW THAT.
BUT EVERY MORNING, I GRIND ONE UP AND MIX IT IN THE GLASS OF
ORANGE JUICE THAT MY 16 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER DRINKS...
AND BELIEVE ME, IT HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT."
YOU GOTTA LOVE GRANDMAS!
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren
...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren
...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting one day discussing who had the superior culture...
The Greek guy says "we built the Parthenon"
The Irishman replies "we discovered the summer and winter solstices"
The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
And the Irishman countered with "but we built the first timepieces and calendars"
The Greek is getting fed up and figures he'll end the conversation....
With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"
The Irishman replies, "Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women."
The Greek guy says "we built the Parthenon"
The Irishman replies "we discovered the summer and winter solstices"
The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
And the Irishman countered with "but we built the first timepieces and calendars"
The Greek is getting fed up and figures he'll end the conversation....
With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"
The Irishman replies, "Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women."
One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass by the side of the road. He told the driver to stop and got out to ask the man, "Why are you eating grass". The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."
So the lawyer said, "You poor guy, come back to my house."
The guy responded, "but I have a wife and three kids."
The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The lawyer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
So the lawyer said, "You poor guy, come back to my house."
The guy responded, "but I have a wife and three kids."
The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The lawyer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE...
A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me...."You lazy prick! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!"
I thought "Shit! ... Women!" Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms "Sod off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening".
After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.
I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK.
I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER, SHE WILL WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT.
A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me...."You lazy prick! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!"
I thought "Shit! ... Women!" Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms "Sod off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening".
After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.
I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK.
I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER, SHE WILL WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT.
It's funny, because it's true...
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We have to know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replied, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn and she was handed a gun and instructed to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We have to know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replied, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn and she was handed a gun and instructed to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Ida Maria walked into Ted's office and saw Ted doing a ridiculous celebratory dance.
"What are you so happy about?" Ida Marie inquired.
"I'm a genius," Ted responded. "I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" Ted beamed.
"How long did it take you?" she asked.
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but it only took me a month!"
"What are you so happy about?" Ida Marie inquired.
"I'm a genius," Ted responded. "I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" Ted beamed.
"How long did it take you?" she asked.
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but it only took me a month!"
ABC's of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
A ventriloquist is doing a show in a small club.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through some dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that wee fucker on your knee!''
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through some dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that wee fucker on your knee!''
QUOTE (badbart @ Mar 24 2008, 11:14 AM) 
It's funny, because it's true...
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We have to know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replied, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn and she was handed a gun and instructed to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We have to know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replied, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn and she was handed a gun and instructed to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
I've heard that one before somewhere.....Page Up.
QUOTE (Nemesis @ Mar 26 2008, 06:53 PM)
I've heard that one before somewhere.....Page Up.
Dammit.
GASTURBATION:
The purposeful passing of gas or belching, not from necessity, but merely for pure enjoyment and self-pleasure
*******************************************************************
The Power of Woman
There were 11 people - TEN MEN and ONE WOMAN - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
The purposeful passing of gas or belching, not from necessity, but merely for pure enjoyment and self-pleasure
*******************************************************************
The Power of Woman
There were 11 people - TEN MEN and ONE WOMAN - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
QUOTE (dusra @ Mar 26 2008, 09:13 PM)
GASTURBATION:
The purposeful passing of gas or belching, not from necessity, but merely for pure enjoyment and self-pleasure
The purposeful passing of gas or belching, not from necessity, but merely for pure enjoyment and self-pleasure
I 'gasturbate' on a regular basis............... take every opportunity, and enjoy every occasion.
And I love to share my talent.
QUOTE (Father Ted @ Mar 26 2008, 11:58 PM)
QUOTE (dusra @ Mar 26 2008, 09:13 PM)
GASTURBATION:
The purposeful passing of gas or belching, not from necessity, but merely for pure enjoyment and self-pleasure
The purposeful passing of gas or belching, not from necessity, but merely for pure enjoyment and self-pleasure
I 'gasturbate' on a regular basis............... take every opportunity, and enjoy every occasion.
And I love to share my talent.
No doubt about that. It's like pants coughing.
QUOTE (dusra @ Mar 27 2008, 02:04 AM)
QUOTE (Father Ted @ Mar 26 2008, 11:58 PM)
QUOTE (dusra @ Mar 26 2008, 09:13 PM)
GASTURBATION:
The purposeful passing of gas or belching, not from necessity, but merely for pure enjoyment and self-pleasure
The purposeful passing of gas or belching, not from necessity, but merely for pure enjoyment and self-pleasure
I 'gasturbate' on a regular basis............... take every opportunity, and enjoy every occasion.
And I love to share my talent.
No doubt about that. It's like pants coughing.
My pants also have very bad breath!
Irish Sausages
'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?' Then, warming to his theme, he went on,'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?'
'Would ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well no.'
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. 'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well, I probably wouldn't,' conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied, 'Because you're in Bunnings'.
(Footnote: Bunnings Warehouse is the southern hemisphere's largest hardware chain)
'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?' Then, warming to his theme, he went on,'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?'
'Would ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well no.'
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. 'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well, I probably wouldn't,' conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied, 'Because you're in Bunnings'.
(Footnote: Bunnings Warehouse is the southern hemisphere's largest hardware chain)
Dursa was outside hanging the laundry to dry. Upon finishing, she headed downtown to run some errands.
"Gootness, ees hot," she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. As she passed a tavern, she thought, "Vy nat?" and walked into the air conditioned darkenss to take a seat at the bar.
"Bartaender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, pleess."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
She thought for a moment before responding "Eet's fine, tanks, just unt leetle svetty."
Yeah, I know it's supposed to be a German accent, not Danish, but it seemed so appropriate.
"Gootness, ees hot," she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. As she passed a tavern, she thought, "Vy nat?" and walked into the air conditioned darkenss to take a seat at the bar.
"Bartaender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, pleess."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
She thought for a moment before responding "Eet's fine, tanks, just unt leetle svetty."
Yeah, I know it's supposed to be a German accent, not Danish, but it seemed so appropriate.
QUOTE (dusra @ Apr 2 2008, 10:09 PM)
...................
(Footnote: Bunnings Warehouse is the southern hemisphere's largest hardware chain)
(Footnote: Bunnings Warehouse is the southern hemisphere's largest hardware chain)
If I were to compare it to anywhere I'd say it's the Australian version of Home Depot in the US.
QUOTE (badbart @ Apr 2 2008, 10:02 PM)
Dursa was outside hanging the laundry to dry. Upon finishing, she headed downtown to run some errands.
"Gootness, ees hot," she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. As she passed a tavern, she thought, "Vy nat?" and walked into the air conditioned darkenss to take a seat at the bar.
"Bartaender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, pleess."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
She thought for a moment before responding "Eet's fine, tanks, just unt leetle svetty."
Yeah, I know it's supposed to be a German accent, not Danish, but it seemed so appropriate.
"Gootness, ees hot," she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. As she passed a tavern, she thought, "Vy nat?" and walked into the air conditioned darkenss to take a seat at the bar.
"Bartaender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, pleess."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
She thought for a moment before responding "Eet's fine, tanks, just unt leetle svetty."
Yeah, I know it's supposed to be a German accent, not Danish, but it seemed so appropriate.
Some wrongs about me.
I am neither German or Danish, but when I had enough to drink it's wouldn't be hard for me to talk like that.
How Rigsby Cooks a Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
footnote: Wish he put some on the table so we could have diner.
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
footnote: Wish he put some on the table so we could have diner.
What's In A Name?
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her....Honey...My Love...Darling...Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc. etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked,...." That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names. " Morris hung his head and whispered,....." To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago. "
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her....Honey...My Love...Darling...Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc. etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked,...." That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names. " Morris hung his head and whispered,....." To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago. "
<.<
>.>
Ok, two nuns are walking in the park at night. It is really dark and they come across a pretty heavily wooded path. Out from behind some trees jump two hooligans who knock the nuns to the ground and begin raping them.
The first nun looks to the heavens and says, "Oh, Lord. Please forgive this man for he knows not what he does."
The second nun looks at the first one and says, "Mine does!".
>.>
Ok, two nuns are walking in the park at night. It is really dark and they come across a pretty heavily wooded path. Out from behind some trees jump two hooligans who knock the nuns to the ground and begin raping them.
The first nun looks to the heavens and says, "Oh, Lord. Please forgive this man for he knows not what he does."
The second nun looks at the first one and says, "Mine does!".
Hoping to surprise her husband, a woman stopped by her husband's office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Hillary Clinton says she's the most qualified because she was married to a president for eight years.
Now let me ask you...if a brain surgeon quit his job, would everyone in the operating room say, "Wait, let's give his wife the job."
Now let me ask you...if a brain surgeon quit his job, would everyone in the operating room say, "Wait, let's give his wife the job."
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband.
As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my mail man came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband.
As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my mail man came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man
standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
'Who the hell are you?', demanded Brian, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter'.
Brian was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for,
I haven't said goodbye to my family....you' ve got to send me back right away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back
as a dog or a hen.'
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad,' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying
your first day here? 'It's not so bad,' replied Brian, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like
I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never,' replied Brian.
'Well, just relax and let it happen.' And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later,
an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous
smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
'Brian! Wake up, you drunk bastard, you're shitting in the bed!'
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man
standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
'Who the hell are you?', demanded Brian, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter'.
Brian was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for,
I haven't said goodbye to my family....you' ve got to send me back right away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back
as a dog or a hen.'
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad,' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying
your first day here? 'It's not so bad,' replied Brian, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like
I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never,' replied Brian.
'Well, just relax and let it happen.' And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later,
an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous
smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
'Brian! Wake up, you drunk bastard, you're shitting in the bed!'
Ewwwwwww.
So that's what Father Ted drinks for.
So that's what Father Ted drinks for.
good reminder about having friends
Friends like underwear - Always near You
Good friends like condoms - Always protecting You
Best friends like Viagra - Lift You up when You are down
Friends like underwear - Always near You
Good friends like condoms - Always protecting You
Best friends like Viagra - Lift You up when You are down
'I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked
'It a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I Went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked
'It a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I Went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
QUOTE (~vjay~ @ Apr 8 2008, 12:15 PM)
'I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
Sorry I am outta here.. have to change panties..LMAO
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered: 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'. Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man
enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gram ps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for me'.
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered: 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'. Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man
enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gram ps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for me'.
A man walked into a pet store one day to pick up a puppy for his fiance.
While he was there he saw a crowd around a bird cage and heard laughter.
As he got closer he could hear the parrot answering questions from the crowd.
"What color are my eyes," asked one person.
"Brown," replied the parrot.
"What color is my hair," said a woman.
"Blond now. but I see black roots," replied the parrot.
The man asked the storeowner if the Parrot always recognized what he saw and was able to repeat it. The store owner said sure - he had even caught an employee stealing out of the cash register.
The man asked how much for the parrot - the shopkeeper said he could never part with him. Since the parrot required some special care. An accident had left him without feet - and he was only able to hold onto the perch with his penis.
He then asked if he could just rent the bird for a couple of weeks - he explained to the man that he sort of suspected his fiance might be cheating on him and he was only getting the puppy to occupy some of her time.
For 500 a week the shop keeper consented.
Everyday the man would come home and ask the parrot what happened - the parrot said nothing until Wednesday of the second week.
The parrot told the man that right after he left - his brother came over. That his brother kissed his fiance hard - grabbed her breast - ripped off her blouse - picked her up and took off her panties.
The man said what happened next.
The parrot replied, "I don't know. My Dick got hard and I fell off the perch."
While he was there he saw a crowd around a bird cage and heard laughter.
As he got closer he could hear the parrot answering questions from the crowd.
"What color are my eyes," asked one person.
"Brown," replied the parrot.
"What color is my hair," said a woman.
"Blond now. but I see black roots," replied the parrot.
The man asked the storeowner if the Parrot always recognized what he saw and was able to repeat it. The store owner said sure - he had even caught an employee stealing out of the cash register.
The man asked how much for the parrot - the shopkeeper said he could never part with him. Since the parrot required some special care. An accident had left him without feet - and he was only able to hold onto the perch with his penis.
He then asked if he could just rent the bird for a couple of weeks - he explained to the man that he sort of suspected his fiance might be cheating on him and he was only getting the puppy to occupy some of her time.
For 500 a week the shop keeper consented.
Everyday the man would come home and ask the parrot what happened - the parrot said nothing until Wednesday of the second week.
The parrot told the man that right after he left - his brother came over. That his brother kissed his fiance hard - grabbed her breast - ripped off her blouse - picked her up and took off her panties.
The man said what happened next.
The parrot replied, "I don't know. My Dick got hard and I fell off the perch."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
Ground Beef
Big Dick Cheney and his friend are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Big Dick Cheney takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, Big Dick Cheney says: "OK, now what?"
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, Big Dick Cheney says: "OK, now what?"
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a football.”
Man: “That's nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad's outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have football boots.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Sold.”
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' The father says, “What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?”' Boy – “$1,000.” The father says, “That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don't start that shit again.”
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a football.”
Man: “That's nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad's outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have football boots.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Sold.”
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' The father says, “What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?”' Boy – “$1,000.” The father says, “That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don't start that shit again.”
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